‘’No
hitting!’’, ‘’We don’t swear in this house!’’, ‘’Don’t take the toy off
your brother’’… These and more prohibitions are commonly used by
parents to get their children to behave more responsibly. ‘No’, ‘don’t’
and ‘stop’ seem to be used more by parents when their children misbehave
than any other words. This begs the question how effective this is in
guiding children towards better behaviour.
There is nothing wrong with occasionally telling children to stop or to say no. Matter of fact, sometimes children can really use a firm ‘no’ or ‘stop’. The risk however lies in an over usage, or better said, over reliance, on such instructions for the following reasons.
1) When children hear ‘negative instructions’, i.e. instructions that communicate a prohibition often, they can become insensitive towards prohibitions when they really matter.
2) When children hear ‘negative instructions’ often, they can get the feeling that they are not allowed to do much… that they are restricted which can lead to a feeling of imprisonment. ‘I never get to do anything!’ such children think.
3) Children, especially young children, can have more difficulty with translating ‘don’ts’ to ‘do’s’, which can make it difficult to respond timely to parents’ instructions. This can give the parents a feeling that their children are willingly disobedient. This can lead to further anger and frustration.
4) When children know what they shouldn’t do (e.g. don’t hit), it doesn’t mean that they know what they should do. When mom tells Hassan that he shouldn’t take the toy off his brother, he might know that he needs to leave the toy in his brother’s hands, but he doesn’t learn what he can do to get the toy from his brother in a tactful, skillful and responsible way. A way in which he doesn’t get in trouble with his parents, his siblings or his peers. With other words; he doesn’t learn life skills. It would be much more constructive if Hassan was advised to ‘ask for the toy’. Asking for something is a life-long important social skill Hassan could benefit from.
Next time when your child misbehaves, take a step back and ask yourself: ‘’What do I need to teach this child to get what he wants, be it a toy, watching a cartoon or something else, in a more constructive way?’’ The answer is usually that he needs you to teach him how to do something in a better way instead of merely telling him what not to do.
There is nothing wrong with occasionally telling children to stop or to say no. Matter of fact, sometimes children can really use a firm ‘no’ or ‘stop’. The risk however lies in an over usage, or better said, over reliance, on such instructions for the following reasons.
1) When children hear ‘negative instructions’, i.e. instructions that communicate a prohibition often, they can become insensitive towards prohibitions when they really matter.
2) When children hear ‘negative instructions’ often, they can get the feeling that they are not allowed to do much… that they are restricted which can lead to a feeling of imprisonment. ‘I never get to do anything!’ such children think.
3) Children, especially young children, can have more difficulty with translating ‘don’ts’ to ‘do’s’, which can make it difficult to respond timely to parents’ instructions. This can give the parents a feeling that their children are willingly disobedient. This can lead to further anger and frustration.
4) When children know what they shouldn’t do (e.g. don’t hit), it doesn’t mean that they know what they should do. When mom tells Hassan that he shouldn’t take the toy off his brother, he might know that he needs to leave the toy in his brother’s hands, but he doesn’t learn what he can do to get the toy from his brother in a tactful, skillful and responsible way. A way in which he doesn’t get in trouble with his parents, his siblings or his peers. With other words; he doesn’t learn life skills. It would be much more constructive if Hassan was advised to ‘ask for the toy’. Asking for something is a life-long important social skill Hassan could benefit from.
Next time when your child misbehaves, take a step back and ask yourself: ‘’What do I need to teach this child to get what he wants, be it a toy, watching a cartoon or something else, in a more constructive way?’’ The answer is usually that he needs you to teach him how to do something in a better way instead of merely telling him what not to do.
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